A Tale of Heartbreak

There once was a girl who never had pets as a child because her family moved all the time. All of her friends had dogs, and cats, and gerbils and hamsters, and turtles and crickets and doves.

But this sad girl had no pets. Well, she had a couple of goldfish in college, but they were emo and one of them committed suicide. Anyhow, this girl went through 23 years of life with no pet to call her own, and the longer she lived, the more she realized that she wanted a pet, but she wanted a really special pet. Not a dog, cat, gerbil, hamster, manatee, a cricket or an emu.

Something really special. And one day, she found it.

It was perfect.  A Petite Lap Giraffe.

Through the wonders of the interwebs, the girl found out that these tiny giraffes like air conditioning, hugs and kisses and filtered water, all things which the girl also liked. She also found out they only grew to be about 30 inches tall, which meant it would be the perfect size pet for a girl who lived in a studio apartment in Venice.

The girl spent lots of time reading about Petite Lap Giraffes and trying to figure out how to get on the waitlist to buy one from a farm in Russia. She also spent time day dreaming about how happy she would be when she and her tiny giraffe could run around the beach and frolic merrily in the sun.

And then it happened: The girl saw a commercial with a petite lap giraffe in it! She watched the commercial excitedly, and showed it to her friends and her Mom too. For some reason though, her Mom seemed to doubt the actual existence of the Lap Giraffes. The girl scoffed at her mother, and quickly set about proving her wrong in the most efficient and reputable method possible: Wikipedia.

Unfortunately, that backfired, because she found that there was no wiki page for lap giraffes. She then employed Step #2 of the Scientific Method: Google searching "are petite lap giraffes real?"

From this point, a downward spiral occurred that left the girl reeling in shock and anguish. Several blogs pointed out that the pictures of Lap Giraffes were actually stock photos with giraffes photo shopped in. Others pointed out the the Sokoblovsky Farms website where the giraffes could be purchased was actually a website run by a media company that does advertisements for DirectTV.

It all fell into place with a crushing and terrible devastation. The girl's beloved lap giraffe, who loved filtered water, hugs, and bonsai trees, was a hoax.

This is a cautionary tale about the cruelty of DirectTV and the internet. Make no mistake, this can happen to you. Adults and children alike have fallen into this terrible trap of fictitious lovable pets, and so I felt it was important to let this be a lesson to everyone:

Lap Giraffes are not real, and Direct TV is no closer to gaining my business because of their dirty, dirty advertising tricks.